she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
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I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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