I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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