i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
