my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
