insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
