my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
