Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
