Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
