I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
