I met the friendliest cop last night
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
