My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
