He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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