I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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