A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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