My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
