dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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