After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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