New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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