I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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