oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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