I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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