I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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