i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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