Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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