How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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