just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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