the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
