You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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