got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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