Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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