How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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