i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
