he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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