i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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