Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
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It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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