I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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