he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize