I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
