How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
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he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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