god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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