Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
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ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
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She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra