i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?