i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
