Just took my morning after pill in the library
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
