Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
