if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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