I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
