Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
