I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
