I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
