I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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