i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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