So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He did a backflip because drugs
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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