Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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