a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
