her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
